This article was published in the George Street Observer's April 1st edition. In case you didn't notice, it is an April Fools Joke. This story is entirely fictitious. We hope that you enjoyed it.

With the school year almost complete, it is time to evaluate the goals that the Student Government Association set for the 2009-2010 year. SGA published a list of initiatives at the beginning of the year, with several realistic and useful goals that SGA believes are imperative to make the College a better place for its students.

Anti-bullying

One initiative that SGA has successfully implemented is its anti-bullying amendment, now attached to the student discipline handbook. Bullying includes a number of definitions, all with a variety of disciplinary actions. If a student or staff member on campus hears a student calling another student a “bad name,” they have the authority to write up a bully ticket, which can result in hours of community service or prohibition, depending on the severity of the word used. Bully words include “meanie,” “poo-poo face,” “butt-head” and “stinky breath.” Other actions considered illegal under the new anti-bullying law are wedgies, wet-willies, swirlies and tripping. The implementation of after-school detention is also under consideration to add to the anti-bullying law.

Slip N’ Slides

SGA has been working long and hard on this initiative, and it is considered the most important and necessary addition to campus. After watching the television show “Greek” on ABC family, members of SGA decided it would be “really cool” if they could get a slip n’ slide constructed on campus for recreational use, as well as a mode of transportation, which, unbeknownst to SGA, is very difficult to do. Their dreams have become a reality as the College approved a student slip n’ slide fee added every year to build and maintain a slip n’ slide on Rivers Green behind the Addlestone library. The slip n’ slide will stretch across the green and will be available for all students to use 24 hours for fun or to just get to the other side faster than walking. Rules of the slip n’ slide include proper clothing attire (bathing suits, T-shirts, etc.), you must wait your turn (no cutsies) and only one ride per person per hour.

Improving the C of C Fight Song

C of C is known for its school spirit. SGA wants the College to be more known by having a strong, powerful and creative fight song. The new fight song will be revealed at the end of the year, but SGA promises that students and faculty alike will want to shout the words with joy. To make the fight song more known to students, and more popular, the new fight song will be played from speakers attached to all buildings on campus every morning at 8 a.m. during a game week (which is every week).

SGA says this way students will always be in the spirit and ready to show their support, and not angry, annoyed or frustrated at all. Lyrics of the new song include “we are moderately good at sports,” “we love to party” and “let’s spread tolerance with our fighting spirit.”

SGA has declined to comment on the initiatives.