As a fellow student at the College and avid reader of the Cougar Alert emails sent out from time to time, I noticed that walking the sidewalks in the evenings can get downright sketchy. Being bipedal and without a car can be rough sometimes. So from the bottom of my paranoia-filled heart, I have compiled my top five rules for not getting robbed in Downtown Charleston.
- Do not carry pepper spray.
You know who you are: the legging-clad and Southern Tide-sporting students that tote a time-worn and probably expired can of mace dangling from your keys. This stuff is like sugar water for mosquitoes—only the flighty and the paranoid carry it around; the clanging of the can on your keys is like a proverbial cow-bell for potential victims.
- Cop a squat and pee on a tree.
Now, if you really want to look tough…like, Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse tough…there is nary a better move than to hike up your cut-off jeans and let nature do its thing. Mark your territory. While you are at it, ladies, dangle your purse out in front of you; not only does it show those mean-muggers that you are without fear, it works the quads too.
- Always walk in the dark. By yourself.
Batman did it. Need I say more? Think of all the potential criminals lurking around in the dark, waiting for the next Michael Kors fob to snatch…when all of sudden: Lo! YOU’RE THERE. With the fob, lurking in the dark, too. Defense Mechanism Level: 100. Beat’em at their own game.
- If someone approaches you with a knife…always fight.
Take it from someone who has been in three self-defense classes: I know what I am talking about. Always fight. They won’t expect it: swing that ponytail (or man-bun) around, take out your earrings (or septum piercings) and get. In. Formation. Be so Sasha Fierce that they have no choice but to Say Your Name and leave.
- Never, ever forget your Invisibility Cloak.
I have found that the best ones come from ancient oak chests found underneath the thousands of pale-violet satin robes in Dumbledore’s closet. But if you do not have access to this type of resource, have no fear: Wal-Mart carries them too…IN FOUR DIFFERENT SHADES. *Judd Nelson Fist Bump*
So, there you have it. You are basically invincible…untouchable…unassailable with my words of wisdom. Go forth, my children…be naïve.