Picking a major is the most significant thing you will ever do in college. 10 billion college students were surveyed nationwide and 97.9 percent replied that they declared a major during their first semester on campus. One hundred percent of that group stated that they had never changed their major in any way. “It pretty much determines the next four or five decades of your life,” warns College of Charleston senior Olivia Cohen, “so the phrase ‘set in stone’ is a bit of an understatement.” In the interests of guiding the College’s newest crop of clueless freshmen through this paranoia-inducing process, we’ve assembled a fast guide to the College’s most popular majors. Choose wisely. Are you…
…an animal lover?
Check out Applied Studies in Baboon Husbandry!
Veterinary school is so old-fashioned. Get real world experience in this exciting new field! There is a heavy conceptual focus on enriching the baboons’ lives with activities, objects, and challenges. During your coursework, you’ll learn proper techniques for cleaning concrete enclosures and dumping out feces. These practical skills will translate seamlessly to life as a parent, or any other animal-related profession. A few safety notes: this major is better suited to males than females. Baboons have a strong sexist streak – many females will find their backpacks stolen and their notebooks trashed by the end of the class period. Additionally, baboons are fiercely protective parents. Don’t mess with the babies…a good rule for successful study of any species.
…good with your hands?
Give High Altitude Basket Weaving a try!
This nuanced program obliterates old stereotypes of athletes and artsy kids. Why not be both? Everyone from soccer recruits to Warhol wannabes have excelled in this field. The honored tradition of basket weaving teaches valuable skills in fine craftsmanship, self-discipline and artistic expression. The high altitude element (replicated in Charleston through the use of low-oxygen chambers) challenges the body and mind. Students have reported feelings of spiritual elation that set in when the mind is clear, the muscles are aching and the fingers are flying. A work of art comes into being right before your very oxygen-deprived eyes. This major may not lead you to a single job opportunity, but which is more important: employment…or your soul?
…passionate about science?
Explore cutting-edge Corporeal Repurposing!
This major is a perfect fit for fans of sustainability, surgery and the work of Mary Shelley. Unfortunately, the close-minded majority of the scientific community refuse to vet our unorthodox pursuit of knowledge. Please see the website for more details.
…a gifted writer?
Pursue a degree in Motivational Karaoke Rhetoric!
In this digital age, who has the time or need to study niche writers like Homer, James Joyce or Toni Morrison? Get more out of the English language – become a Motivational Karaoke Rhetoric professional! More businesses than ever are looking for creative ways to motivate their employees. Archaic practices like writing memos and drafting papers have left behind a generation of worn out husks. The quickest and most cost-effective revival? Karaoke parties. Enter the masterful wordsmith, who transforms well-loved tunes into vehicles for subliminal lyrics which encourage everything from cost-saving to staying late on a Friday. Numerous studies have shown that offices that hold one such karaoke event per month, with all lyrics written by a MKR professional, experience spikes in productivity as high as 60 percent. This major fosters strong skills in grammar, argument and manipulation. Any student with this degree will be more than prepared to pursue a master’s or doctoral degree in Propaganda.
…someone who hates people?
Better choose Biochemistry!
Biochemistry is the obvious match for anyone who hates parties, restaurants, sporting events, going shopping, listening to music, walking on the beach, laughing in front of other people, sharing the elevator, using the gym or leaving their room. Never again will you have to wrack your brain for an original excuse to avoid interacting with people. Biochemistry’s 72 required credit hours will have you covered for the next four years. The next time someone invites you to have some so-called fun, proudly reply “I can’t. I’m a BioChem major.”
*This article first appeared in the October 2015 issue of The Yard