CHARLESTON, S.C. – Cuts to the campus police budget and a culture of paranoia forced the Board of Trustees to approve a revolutionary idea: letting College of Charleston students protect themselves.
It is now officially legal for students to carry personal weapons on campus. An email announcing the change to students put the ideal ratio at nine guns for every 10 students on campus to match the national gun ownership rate.
Campus Safety claims this will increase accountability and lead to a decline in crime throughout the peninsula.
“If everyone has a gun, it’s like no one has a gun. It cancels out,” said a Campus Safety representative. “Anyone who fires a weapon will have at least ten others firing right back at them.”
The College has placed the students’ safety in their own hands, and they are encouraged to instantly retaliate against anyone they see firing a weapon.
“With the students’ safety in their own hands, I think everyone feels safer already,” said Annie Oakley, newly-appointed chair of the Students in Arms Sub-Committee of Campus Safety. “College students are notorious for their prudence and emotional stability; it’s common knowledge.”
But not all students are embracing their new responsibility.
“When I complained to Campus Safety that I was scared of getting shot, they told me to make sure I shoot first,” whined Bob Baez of the student organization Farewell to Arms. “Then they gave me coupons for bulletproof armor from the bookstore.” Even with a coupon, some students maintain that it is cheaper to rent armor from Amazon.
However, Campus Safety is not ignorant of these concerns. Recent emails to students included locations of free practice targets, tactical maps of campus and instructions for spotting a shooter when everyone you see is holding a gun.
As an additional safety measure, all of the cobblestone pavement around campus will be evened out or repaired to prevent accidents. “Otherwise we’d all be literally shooting ourselves in the foot,” Oakley said.
“Think of it as a vaccination: If the solution to disease is more of the disease, then the solution to gun violence is more guns,” argued Oakley.
We can expect to see several changes to campus culture as the College provides incentives for bearing arms and students adjust to finally feeling safe.
Incentives for carrying visible firearms include discount parking passes and permission to smoke cigarettes on campus once more. In addition, Clyde has changed his surname from “the Cougar” to “Chestnut Brown” to encourage students to embrace the changes with spirit.
The student population itself is expected to change as well. “This could be the magic fix to our woeful boy-girl ratio,” said admissions clerk Buddy Roosevelt. “Already we’re getting more applications from young men who care about exercising their second amendment rights.”
Greek life on campus has fully embraced the new guidelines. “I won these babies at our charity raffle earlier,” said Dennis Truman of Pi Kappa Phi, posing like a cowboy with his new SIG P226’s, each with Clyde the Cougar’s face on the handle.
Members of Kappa Alpha Theta were seen sanding and painting old shotguns rather than coolers for an upcoming event.
“I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong, and I expect to see other campuses adopting similar policies in the future,” said a college official.
*All words published by His Excellency, The Swamp Fox, are meant to be taken in jest.
**This article first appeared in the October 2015 issue of The Yard