It’s that time of year. The plague has stricken our land yet again. Stock up on hand sanitizer and herbal teas and boxes of tissues, because it’s flu season.
Some of you may have heard of this new, magical preventative measure that some morally questionable doctors have been talking about: the flu shot. This is one of many vaccinations that have been developed over the past two centuries. It all started with Edward Jenner’s ridiculous hypothesis that infecting a person with one form of pox would somehow prevent them from being affected by another. Sure, it worked, but that’s no reason to give the idea any merit. (It should be noted that before studying smallpox, Jenner studied the cuckoo bird, an animal synonymous with insanity.)
One highly respected researcher, actress Jenny McCarthy, has come to the conclusion that vaccinations are the number one cause of autism in children, having noticed that her own child displayed signs of autism after (and before) receiving vaccinations. She arrived at this conclusion from one 1998 study that seemed pretty accurate to her, despite having since been proven wrong by so-called scientists who are undoubtedly plotting to disable the world population one child at a time with their evil “vaccinations.”
McCarthy may not have a medical degree, but she does have some background in the medical field, having played the character of Blonde Nurse in the 1995 hit film, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead. This surely gives her better credentials than those of Augusto and Michaela Odone, parents who discovered a treatment for ALD when their son was diagnosed with the disease. If the Odones can be respected in the medical community without ever even pretending to be nurses, then we must give credence to McCarthy’s belief that vaccines cause autism. And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t trust a pretty blonde lady over a large scientific community that probably has questionable ulterior motives?
So brace yourselves for the inevitable onslaught of fever, chills, congestion, runny noses, aching muscles, pounding heads and exhaustion; it sounds miserable, but you must remember that this is better than spontaneously and inexplicably developing autism. This is the 21st century; it’s time to grow up and realize that there are no magical cures. A flu shot is just as effective as using condoms and birth control to prevent pregnancies. It might work, but that’s probably just a coincidence, no matter how many irrefutably accurate scientific studies are made about it.
All words published by His Excellency, the Swamp Fox, are to be taken in jest.