In coordination with the recent crackdown on bomb-resembling clocks in Texas, the Charleston County Police Department has put the entire Charleston peninsula under arrest for its egregious, blatant display of time-telling bell towers and church steeples. The city-wide move was made after an anonymous caller complained of potential terrorist activity in the Charleston skyline, citing fear at the sound of clanging church bells. The ensuing scene involved a massive task force of officers swarming in and hand-cuffing the city’s populace as well as surrounding and forcing local churches into submission. The churches that refused to submit their bell towers were fired upon, resulting in two casualties. St. Philips Episcopal Church and the Cathedral of Saint John the Baptist were confirmed dead at the scene. With the entire population of the Charleston peninsula behind bars, Charleston jails are facing an unprecedented overcrowding problem. We will keep you posted as the situation develops.
Update: The Charleston peninsula was quickly released with numerous apologies from the police chief when it was discovered that 70.2% of the city’s population was white.
All words published by His Excellency, the Swamp Fox, are meant to be taken in jest.